10 years.  One quarter of my whole life.  For the last 10 years I’ve been on kid duty.  I’ve been able to stay at home (mostly) with my kiddos and have been pretty solely focused on being a Mom.

The diapers.  The sleepless nights. The binky searches. The packing of the diaper bag. The ever changing car seats. The vaccines.  The introducing new foods.  The never ending whys.  The giant hugs.  The whispered “I love yous”.  The dirt.  The grime.  The mud.  The smell of freshly washed little boy hair.  The wonderings.  The stories read.  The bedtime snuggles.  The embarrassing.  The doctor visits.  The ER trips.  The dental appointments.  The toys scattered everywhere.  The growth marks on the wall.  The sweetness of the moments.

The overwhelming boredom of some days.  The joy.  The frustration.  The “I’ll never” moments.  The “this is so different than I expected”.  The packing of the babies in the Ergo.  The nap times that were and some that weren’t.   The pushing of the stroller.  The hands ready to catch.  The new experiences.  The waking up to sweet smiles above my head.  The pure, every fiber of your body, love.

These moments have been my life.  And now I am having growing pains.  Our baby is heading to Kindergarten and it feels big…really big.   I told Dan that I feel like our boys are launching.  He reminded me that it’s not like we’re sending them off to college.  (I can’t even imagine preparing for those moments! )  But for me, whose days have been marked by all those little moments, it is a giant transition.  For the first time in these last 10 years, I will be home without little people with me.  I get to decide what I’d like to do with the extra time I will have.  For those daytime hours, I get to find other adventures, other ways to serve those around me, places to work and places to help out.

It’s bittersweet.  All the boys are excited to begin school and Zachary is ready, really ready to go.  For him, I am excited to see him grow and learn and experience all the new things school brings.  For me, well, it’s hard to let go.

I guess for now, I will work hard to enjoy these last couple weeks with them, treasuring up the moments.  And on that first day of school, I will try to hold myself together…at least long enough for them to be ok launching into a new year.  Don’t be surprised if you see me in the parking lot bawling in my car, I’m ok…just having growing pains.