I am addicted to Dr. Pepper.  Whew, I’ve finally said it!  I love the original, diet, caffeine free, whatever kind I can get my hands on.  I stopped buying the cans or bottles, trying to cut my addiction, but then I drive through and get one or pick up a bottle when I’m at the store.  I order one when I’m out to eat.  I have one nearly everyday.  I truly think it’s a hardcore addiction!  Why do they make it taste so good????  I know why…they want me to be addicted to it.  They want me to buy it everyday and “have to have it”!  

Well, the time has come for me to part ways with Dr. Pepper.  Even as I write it, it makes me a little sad, but I need to let it go!  I don’t need the chemicals or sugar.  I don’t need the extra lbs around my belly, or the risks of those icky diseases.

So today was my last fix.  If you see me in the next few weeks, I apologize now for any grumpiness as go through withdrawls.  Wish me luck!

I have fallen in love with another…..

We planted a garden a number of weeks ago and now it is in full bloom!  This is the first year that I am in love with it!  I go out everyday and tend to it, picking weeds, gathering lettuce and kale, thinning it, etc.

In the past, I felt ill-equipped to deal with it and didn’t know how to care for it.  If you know me at all, you know that I cannot for the life of me keep plants alive in my house.  I had a cactus once which lived for awhile but other than that, I kill everything!  This year I have decided that doing anything is better than doing nothing!  So I have taken it on as my baby.

My lettuce is growing like crazy and we can hardly keep up with it, so tonight we had lettuce wraps.  Here is a great recipe if you too have lots of lettuce growing!

Lettuce Wraps  (I got the basic recipe from pinterest and it called for cut up chicken pieces.   Check out tastebook.com for original recipe for Crock-Pot Chicken Lettuce Wraps. )

Here is my take on it:

1 lb. meat diced or ground (I used ground pork since that’s what I had on hand.)

1/2 cup chopped onion

8 mushrooms

1/4 cup soy sauce

1/4 cup white cooking wine

2 TBS balsamic vinegar

Veggies of your choice:  I put in kale, diced carrots and zucchini.  The original recipe called for water chestnuts which I didn’t have on hand but I think would be yummy in there.

I didn’t have time to crock pot it, I just mixed it all up on the stove top and put a spoonful in each lettuce leaf.  Delicious and even the boys gave it a thumbs up!  A success anyday in my book.

When life gives you lemons….

I spent about four months at Swedish, in some form or another.  On bed rest at first and then there to be with Nathan every moment I could.  And I was so incredibly blessed that either my Mom or Dan was with me.  They would take turns, when Dan was at work, my Mom would drive down and hang out with me.  When he was off for the weekends, he would drive down and stay.  Talk about blessed!!!  I didn’t have to face anything alone.

My Mom put her own life on hold for FOUR months so I wouldn’t have to go it alone.  She spent the night there with me whenever Dan couldn’t be there, she spent those long days with me, in and out of the NICU.  All the poking and prodding visits, she was there with me!  So incredibly self-less!  She was amazing through it all and we found a way to make the best out of the tough situation.  Some of my favorite memories are of the simplest things!

There were lots of moments which were bright spots along the way.  My Mom and I would enjoy planning our lunch and/or dinner plans.  We found a great pizza place called Mad Pizza and everyday they would have specials.  We’d head over there for lunch and get a slice and a greek salad…delish!  Then we’d head down the street to get a toasted waffle and a starbucks.

Or we’d plan our order from the hospital’s menu.  When I was a patient, I could call and order anything, as often as I wanted.  We ate pretty well when we were there!

We had a gracious friend of a friend who let us stay at her gorgeous house on the water.  A little peace and quiet in the midst of the storm.

We made some great friends too.  There was a group of Moms who had had premature babies who came around to chat with me before the boys were born.  They were a great encouragement to me!!  We also met a couple up in the NICU who had just had a little boy at 24 weeks gestation.  They were/are an amazing Christian couple and we became life-long friends.  (They were told they’d never have a baby and now they are pregnant with their 4th!  Who said miracles don’t happen!?! And their little 24 weeker is a healthy strong little guy now too!)

It was amazing to see Dan as a Dad too.  You think when you get married that you know how someone is going to be as a parent, but to see it in action is pretty amazing.  I still have a picture in my mind of my big, 6’2″ husband holding this little itty bitty baby for his diaper change.  So gently lifting him up while the nurse changed out his bedding…adorable.  This experience definitely drew us closer together and we were able to rely on each other.

I have to say too, now that 6 years have passed, that I am finally at the place where I would say I wouldn’t change anything.  Seriously.  I know that if things were different I wouldn’t have Caleb or Zachary now.  I also know that if Matthew had lived, considering the brain damage he had suffered, I don’t know that his quality of life would have been very good.  He is the happiest he will ever be, no suffering or pain!!  And I can’t even imagine if we hadn’t been able to keep Nathan.  He is amazing and a miracle for sure!!

Plus, I am different now too.  I see the world differently and I think I am more able to empathize with people when they are hurting.  I had so many bright spots and blessings along my way and my prayer is that God will use the experiences we’ve had in such a way that we might be a bright spot along someone else’s path too.

There is so much more to the story!  Here goes:

I was wheeled into the recovery room and soon after that my Dad and Dan came.  I was so grateful to have had my Mom there with me for the delivery and to not have to be alone, but my heart also heaved a sigh of relief when I saw my Knight in Shining Armor walk through that door!  I knew we could face anything, together.  He was the one other person as attached to those babies as I was!

This was the first time we got to see our little “Cecil” aka Brandon.  He was perfectly formed, just tiny.  All his parts were there and he looked like a baby, but as we looked at him, we could clearly see that he was not there, only his little body.  It provided some more closure for us.

Dan got to go up and see the boys first and after a short time in the recovery room, I was wheeled up there too.  I had been encouraged many times to visit the NICU while I was still pregnant, but had avoided it.  I couldn’t imagine my boys up there and wasn’t ready to face that situation.  I was supposed to make it longer, at least 28 weeks and this was only 26 weeks 6 days!  But now I had no choice.  They WERE up there!

They were side by side in their isolettes.  So small and surrounded by plastic.  All my mommy’s instincts told me to hold, cuddle, kiss, caress and love on them, but being that they were so early, their skin wasn’t ready for that.  All we could do was touch the hard plastic of the isolette and talk to them.

The rest of that day is a blur to me as I tried to sit up, stand up and walk again with a sore tummy.  I don’t really remember Saturday much either.

That night, when Dan asked me to go up there with him to say goodnight, I decided to stay in bed and he went up alone.  He came back a little later and said they were doing well.  He remembers Matthew having his hand up holding on to the blanket…such a sweet picture to have in our minds.  In hindsight, I wish I had gone up there too, as things went downhill fast that night.   There are no guarantees, no promise of tomorrow.

The next memory I have was on Sunday morning, July 15th.  My dear friend Dorene had come down to visit us and meet the boys.  I clearly remember her sitting in my room with me and Dan happily chatting away when a nurse came in to my room.  She asked if the NICU had gotten a hold of me.  Umm, no?  How hard was it to find me?  I was in the same room I had been in since the C-section, and I could hardly stand up, much less walk by myself…where was I going to go?  Anyway, we called up there right away and were told, “Matthew had a bad night”.  That didn’t sound good and we headed up there.  I remember the nurse saying she would look for a wheelchair for me but I said I was not waiting any longer and with Dan’s help, I hobbled up there as fast as I could.

When we got up to their isolettes, the night nurses told us that things didn’t look good for Matthew.  His o2 levels were really low and they weren’t able to keep his blood oxygenated.  They decided to paralyze him for a time to see if that would allow his body to focus on the most basic of functions.  I am not sure I clearly understood what all that meant nor how serious it really was, but they did a brain scan and showed us the immense brain damage he had suffered.  It seems that Matthew took the brunt of the blood swell when Brandon died.  We were told he would not survive and we were encouraged to let him go, to take him off the ventilator. He never had breathed on his own anyway.  A little while later, after they had done all they could for him, we took him off the ventilator and I finally got to hold my first born son.  He was wrapped in a hospital baby blanket and we got to carry him down the hall in our arms to a waiting room area.  Dan’s parents, his brother Jon and my parents were there and surrounded us as we talked to, sang to and said goodbye to our little man.  We were so blessed to be with him, to hold him and to be surrounded by our loved ones.  It is a moment I will never forget and on one hand, one I never hope to repeat.  I hope I don’t have to say goodbye to any of my other sons.  On the other hand, what a gift to be able to hold him and talk to him, even if just for a moment.  I truly felt like we were ushering him Home.  I believe he went from my arms to Jesus’ arms instantly.   He was surrounded by love as he left this earth and I hope the same can be said for all of my children.

When we got back to the NICU after Matthew died, one of the nurses turned to me and said, “You still have one here.  You need to focus on him”.  At the time I thought that was incredibly insensitive, but in hindsight, she was exactly right.  I could grieve the loss of my little boy BUT I had to move forward and focus on Nathan.  He was in bad shape too and needed our support and complete focus.  So, on we went!

For those of you who followed our story via our Caring Bridge website, you know all the ins and outs of the next 3 months.  We tried to log Nathan’s daily progress there and it was full of highs and lows.    Each day was full of challenges and triumphs and we weren’t sure from moment to moment if he would live.  There is no way I could log it all here so I won’t try!  Our Caring Bridge log is still there though and I do go back every once in awhile and read a few entries.  Nathan certainly fought hard and continues to do so.  We are thankful everyday for that adorable smile!

By the way, one of the visitors I had while I was on bed rest at Swedish, was the pastor and his wife from my parent’s old church.  As they talked to me they told me a story of a family who had lost their little baby and had held him as he died.  I remember being HORRIFIED at the time and couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would be like.  I also didn’t understand why they were telling me this while I was still very much pregnant with two babies!  Now I see it was a little preparation for what was to come.   Corrie Ten Boom says something like this, “God gives you the ticket when it’s time to get on the train”.   (Her quote is actually much more eloquent and lovely, but this is what I remember!)  That day I had to say goodbye to Matthew was actually peaceful, heartwrenching yes, but peaceful.  God had given me “the ticket”  when I needed it and the story I had heard from days earlier which I couldn’t even imagine living through, we had.

Alright, well The Story, part 2 will come someday but not today!  

Today my kitchen has become an experimental place!  I have been reading a lot about our food system and the nasty chemicals which are in everything and I am really bothered by it all!  

Dan and I watched Food, Inc a few years ago and we have already taken most of the dairy out of our diets.  No more cows milk for us.  Anything that “grows” cancer is not welcome here, especially when talking about giving it to my innocent little boys!  We switched Nathan over to hazelnut milk and he was a fan.  The chocolate version is his drink of choice so we had the added sugar in there but no dairy.  I thought I was doing something right by getting as much dairy out as we could.  Boo on casein!  

Then came Nathan’s food allergies and we began to work through some of those restrictions.  We have long suspected gluten/wheat being a problem, but now that we know for sure, there is no way not to be fully g free.  After the last few weeks, I think I have a handle on the egg thing and his list of “only every 4 day” foods.  

Well, after just finishing The Unhealthy Truth by Robyn O’Brien, I now have other things to add to my list…changes to make to how we eat.  The book is a fascinating read and I recommend it to everyone.  Your eyes may be opened, as mine were.

So, now I have begun to look at food additives and colorings.  (Something my Mom has been talking about for awhile but I am only now ready to hear it!)  All those chemicals pumped into the stuff we were eating.  Anything with a color and a number behind it=bad.  MSG=bad.  Soy=bad.  Carrageenan=bad.  I was not familiar with the last one but come to find out it can cause inflammation and digestive problems…isn’t that what we’re dealing with with Nathan?  You know that hazelnut milk I was pumping into him?  It uses that carrageenan stuff as a filler.  What if that was bothering him all this time too?  One change I thought was helping might have been harmful!  I was buying the stuff at the co-op by the case for him.  Well, no more!  Do you know how easy it is to make nut milks?  I had never tried it before but it is super, SUPER easy!  I whipped up some almond milk in no time and it has no additives, no fillers, just almonds, water and dates.  A simple change.

I also made almond butter today.  Again, super, SUPER easy.  You need a blender, some almonds, dates and maybe a little oil and voila, almond butter!  No fillers, no processed stuff, no soy.  

 I have begun to look at the labels on everything.  Now, I consider us a very healthy family, food wise.  We eat lots of veggies and fruits and my kids are good eaters.  They don’t balk at green stuff in everything.  But there is more to the picture than I realized and now that I know what else we need to watch out for, how can I not make changes here and there?  I think your brain, well at least my brain, can only hold so much information at one time and this process will be in baby steps.    As I mentioned before, my Mom has been telling me about some of these things for awhile but I was too overloaded to hear it.  Now, I’m ready, so look out world!  

I only wish I had known what I know now 6 years ago before Nathan was born.  I wouldn’t even have introduced him to all that stuff.  If he’d never had M&M’s, he wouldn’t miss them. Or Ritz crackers or WheatThins. It might be too late for Nathan and Caleb but at least Zachary is a clean slate!  Just kidding, I know it’s never too late, the big boys just know more of the taste of the “bad” stuff, so it’s harder to make changes.  But if I know something is bad, how can I give it to them?

By the way, since we have made changes to Nathan’s diet taking out as many of the food allergies as we can, his skin is finally improving.  It is now soft and looks awesome!  His behavior is calmer and more focused too!  Maybe there is actually something to that whole allergy thing….

PS…You know what else I have learned the last couple weeks?  You can pop quinoa and eat it like popcorn!  I have mine ready to try for snack today, so I’ll let you know how it goes.  (My friend Diana runs RealHealthyRecipes.com and has amazing ideas on there so we can thank her for the idea!)

PPS…My brother and sister-in=law showed me how to make my own potato chips…in the microwave!  All you need to do is slice the potatoes with a mandolin, put them on parchment paper, a little spritz of oil and salt and nuke ’em.  Amazing and again, NO chemicals!  

Ok, well tomorrow Nathan will be SIX years old!?!  How did that happen??  He is a miracle and our lives have certainly not been the same since he arrived six years ago.  Most of you know his story and have heard all the details, but I wanted to write it all down in one place.  So here it is, part 1.  It is wordy and probably tmi, so read what you want and skip the rest!  It is just for us to have some of those thoughts and memories in one place!