We drove by the cemetery the other day and I was reminded of a visit there a number of years ago with the boys.  It didn’t turn out exactly the way I had envisioned!

I decided to go to the grave site of our other boys and since it was around the time of year when their birthday happens, I had the beautiful picture in my mind of what it would be like.  I’d be at the site with my three healthy, beautiful boys and we would have a peaceful moment of remembering their brothers.  That was my perfect expectation.  And like most of the things in my life, my expectation is not even close to the reality!

We pull up and get out of the van and here I am in this place with my kids who were roughly 7, 5 and 2 years old.  I showed them the stone and the place their brothers are buried and was feeling very thoughtful.

Then the fun began…I looked over and Nathan had taken a car off another little person’s gravestone and was zooming it up and down the tombstones all around where we were.  The other boys were giggling and laughing and running all over the place.  My vision of a quiet, reflective beautiful moment was replaced by this crazy, wild, silly reality!

I burst out laughing as I stood back and watched the craziness of it all!  Being in the midst of this pretty, serene, quiet place watching my children run and play and enjoy reminded me that life is for living, for laughing, for being silly.  These boys are so full of life, so full of love and so full of joy.  They teach me new things each day!  And even when the reality is nowhere near the expectation, I adore them.

As we celebrate Nathan and remember saying goodbye to the other boys, it’s still hard all these years later.  My heart is changed and not the same it was 12 years ago.  It’s being a part of the club no one wants to be in.  It’s never quite knowing how to respond when someone asks you how many children you have.  It’s experiencing the waves of unexpected grief.  It’s letting go of the dreams and expectations you had for those little ones.  It’s remembering and also moving forward.

So, taking a cue from these three loud, wild boys who fill up our house, my hope is to continue to laugh along the way, find the joy in the moments and be a little silly.

Photo by Nubia Navarro (nubikini) on Pexels.com

So when I first started out going keto, I wanted to be sure I had a good idea of what I was doing.  I had watched a lot of good videos and had a couple of good books to reference so I understood what it was mostly about.  But here are a few of the things that really helped me jump in.

For an idea of how many carbs to eat in a day, check out this site: https://ketodietapp.com/Blog/page/KetoDiet-Buddy.  I have found it really helpful to get a feel for exactly what I should be shooting for each day.  In the beginning I tracked everything and tried to stay within my macro counts.  There is so much info out there and I wanted to narrow it down to know what would be best for me and my goals.

After trying a couple different ones, I liked this app for my phone, Carb Manager.  I used that to enter all my food each day so I’d have an idea of how much fat and carbs I was really getting.  If you are considering keto, find an app that works for you and keep track for awhile of what you are eating.  I promise it will help!

Cookbook wise, I like and use several.   I love this cookbook as a basic guide for getting started.  Be sure to check out p 272 and Pop Pop’s peanut butter balls.  They are always in our fridge here for those sweet tooth moments.

For meals, I have found a lot of good recipes in the Maria Emmerich’s books.  I have this Comfort Foods one and I have I have one with Restaurant Favorites which has tons of good recipes.  We still do a lot of our old favs, just keto style, but I always love to try new recipes and both of these books have not let us down.

It’s a great day to try something new and make one small change!

Oh to have a preemie.  A little teeny baby who was born at 26 weeks, weighing in at less than 2 lbs.   A baby who had a stroke and now still shows some small signs of cerebral palsy.  I expected it would be hard the first year or so of his life.  I knew he would be delayed and would need extra time to learn and thrive and grow.  I knew we had to watch carefully for illnesses like RSV.  I knew he would probably develop at his own pace.  But, somewhere in my mind, I figured that once we got him through those first few scary months then he would be fine.  That he would catch up and be just like the other kids.

I didn’t know how big of a deal the little things would be.  Would he learn to walk?  Could he ever run?  Would he ever learn how to talk and communicate with us?  Would he be able to hold a pencil and write someday?  Would he be able to read a book or do a math problem?  Each of those steps was a huge milestone in his life and we celebrated over each thing.

A few days ago, we had the latest IEP meeting and discussed the plan for 6th grade.  As we read the IEP and met with this incredible team who really cares for our son, we were filled with mixed emotions.  Joy that he is 5th grade and doing a lot of things.  Awe that God has blessed all of us with such an incredible group of people for him to work with each day.  And then, there is this nagging feeling, one that’s a little harder to put into words.  I guess it’s the realization that my expectation of how things were going to go, is not our reality. I had talked to other preemie moms and their kids essentially grew out of any preemie conditions or problems and have gone to lead normal lives.  This what how I just assumed things would go.

As Nathan gets older, it is more and more clear that he is different, that there are still a great deal of struggles ahead and that in so many areas, he is not a typical kid.  It’s wonderful…and it’s exhausting.  You get to the point where you begin to talk more about life skills learning versus learning what all the other kids are learning.

Then I remember to breathe.  To take a step back.  To take one day at a time.  To take each moment as it comes.  Celebrate his successes.  Celebrate the wonderful kid he is.  Enjoy his incredibly sweet and tender heart.  And to be thankful.  Thankful for how far he has come.  Thankful for the incredible people who love our son so well!  He has had teachers who really like him and see the best potential in him.  He has an aide who is like his school grandma.  He has had speech and occupational therapists who have helped him so much.  He has grandparents who are involved in his day to day life.  He is one blessed little boy.

So another reminder to relax and breathe and trust that wherever his future takes him is just where he should be.

Motivation.  Sometimes you have it and other times you just…don’t!  I knew in order for me to make some significant lifestyle changes, I needed to think about what I wanted and why.  As I mentioned I was feeling so crummy and just making it through each day instead of living each day fully and enjoying the moments in it.  So I was motivated to make changes.  But I also know that I like to see progress and I needed something to help me STAY focused and motivated so I created a vision board of sorts.

First off I knew I wanted to make some goals.  So I got a cheapo journal from the Dollar Tree and wrote a list of my top goals.  I tried to avoid just having a particular weight in mind so I branched out some.  My very first goal was to give keto six months.  I wanted to really stick with it long enough to see changes but also to create some strong habits. I wanted to fit back in to my favorite pair of jeans.  I wanted to get down to a size medium shirt.  I wanted to start and complete an 8 week weight training program.  I wrote them down with a box next to it so I could check them off when I accomplished them.

The next step for me was to take pictures.  I took before pictures and printed them out.  I added these next in my journal so I could really see where I was starting from.  It’s not the most enjoyable experience, but I figured I would want to see the progress.  For me taking pics every other week is what I settled on.  I print out the pictures each time and add them to the journal.  I took front, side and back shots every two weeks.

I also have a mental problem with the darn scale and weighing in each day was really hard for me.  If I had a higher weight, it would make me grumpy for the day!  That is ridiculously embarrassing to say, but that’s truth!  I played around with different time frames, and having a weekly weigh in worked the best for me.

I got a big desk calendar from Target and hung it on the back of a closet door in our basement.  I recorded my starting weight on there, anytime I did an exercise program, and weekly weigh ins.

I also decided to keep track of the weight loss by using little teeny clothespins.  I added one for each lb I lost so I could see the string growing.

Then came the fun part!  I went to pinterest to find quotes.  Things that inspired me and spoke to me.  I printed off a bunch of those and put them up randomly around the calendar and in my journal.  I wanted to be able to read things that encouraged me and kept me going.  I liked this weight loss one too as I could see exactly what I was losing!

So, whether you are motivated to make a change now or are not quite there yet, maybe some of these ideas will work for you too!  Today is a good day to make a change!

Some other food for thought……you will not find a single picture of another person on my board.  When I first looked up vision boards on pinterest, a lot of people use pictures of models or other people to find motivation to look like that.  For me, I need to step away from the comparison and find a way to be the fittest, strongest, healthiest version of myself. My body is it’s own unique creation and I won’t be able to look like anyone else.  I simply want to be the best version of me I can be!

So, back in January I decided to jump on the keto bandwagon.  I was tired of feeling tired.  Tired of barely making it through each day and feeling worn out.  I was coming from a place of being severely anemic and was needing to make some changes.  I decided I’d rather think about what I could eat and how to stay a ‘fat burner’, rather than think about how tired I was all the time!!  So I researched and watched a lot of youtube videos,  read a lot of books and then I jumped in!

It’s been six months and I love it!  I feel great and have SO much more energy than I have in a long time.  I can actually get things done each day and not feel like I have to crawl to bed at night.  I have lost some lbs and a bunch of inches but the process for me has been very s-l-o-w.  I have gone through stalls and plateaus, frustrations and lots of adjustments.  When I started I was committed to give it a solid six months and I can proudly say I just reached that goal!  I am the queen of diets and doing really well on something but then reverting back to my old habits.  I really wanted to find something I could live with (and maybe even enjoy??) for the long haul!

I will say it’s been a journey over the last six months.  I do not eat the same as when I started.  I have found a way to make Keto work for ME and for MY body.  I love popcorn and didn’t think I could give it up forever, so I found a way to add it in.  For my birthday this year, my Mom found a way to make keto friendly cheesecake—cheesecake for goodness sake!  I can eat and enjoy cheesecake and know I’m still burning fat.  I can go out to eat and eat burgers and even occasionally french fries and still stay in ketosis.  I can eat peanut butter fat bombs every day, yes every day!  How amazing is that!

So, after six months I have learned some things and I thought I would share some of my journey in case anyone else is curious about this keto thing too.