It’s been 6 days since a man shot 5 people at my Mall.  It seems like so much longer than that and I think I’ve had every emotion possible in those 6 days.  I think I’ve hit most of the stages of grief and then some.

When I first heard, I figured it had to be some mistake…no way something that happens here.  An active shooter in the mall?!  The mall where I was just at a few hours earlier with my kids?  The mall where we visit Chuck E Cheese and the Children’s Museum?  I just couldn’t believe it was true.  Shock.  Denial.

Then the news just kept getting worse and worse.  There were casualties and the shooter was on the loose.   That feeling of helplessness and fear was palpable.  There were rumors that he was on the road near my house.  The police searched a house nearby.  We could hear the helicopters flying overhead and it was just plain eerie.  We turned on all the lights in the house and waited.  Fear.

The next day the shooter was captured, after about 24 hours.  A sense of relief came but I knew there were 5 names that I didn’t know yet, who were murdered, so that relief was not as sweet nor complete as I expected.  Bittersweet relief.  Reluctant expectation.

Then the names and stories of those lost came out.  A father, a child, a 95 year old woman, a lady I used to work with, a daughter.  Stories of people who had simply been out shopping at the mall.  People with loved ones and families and histories and hopes for their futures.  Sadness.  Heartbreak.

On Tuesday, I dropped the kids off at school and set out to do some errands.  I was nervous for the first time in my life to go shopping.  I was looking at the people around me with a new perspective.  Seeing everyone as a potential threat.  I was thinking of possible escape routes or hiding places if I found myself in a terrifying position.  I was questioning my surroundings and I didn’t like what I was thinking nor how I was feeling.  I was mad that someone could do this to strangers.  Anger.

I got home that day and I felt just defeated.  My little safe community where we are choosing to raise our boys, has been forever changed.  The world I grew up in (not TOO many years ago) was so different than it is today.  We worried about things, sure, but things that seem to pale in comparison to the mass shootings and terrorist attacks of today.  Depression.

Then I got around to really thinking about my life.  Two months ago, we nearly lost Dan to a blood clot.  Out of the blue, no warning, no reason.  Friday night, 5 people died, out of the blue, no warning.  I am reminded once again that we just don’t know what our future holds.  I need to be ready, to know where I am going after I leave this life.  Because one day, it will be my time to go.  Whether it’s a blood clot to my heart, an accident, an earthquake or a tragedy, it is going to happen.  We are not immortal and our lives have a beginning and an end.  Acceptance.

Have you been like me?  Truly wrestling with all these emotions this week?  I am choosing to turn my cares over to Jesus because there is no where else to turn.  He is the only One who can offer peace, comfort and joy.

I will not be afraid of this world.  I will not hole up in my house and never go out again.  I will not assume the worst in people.  I choose to love and live to the fullest.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”  i John 4:18