There is so much more to the story! Here goes:
I was wheeled into the recovery room and soon after that my Dad and Dan came. I was so grateful to have had my Mom there with me for the delivery and to not have to be alone, but my heart also heaved a sigh of relief when I saw my Knight in Shining Armor walk through that door! I knew we could face anything, together. He was the one other person as attached to those babies as I was!
This was the first time we got to see our little “Cecil” aka Brandon. He was perfectly formed, just tiny. All his parts were there and he looked like a baby, but as we looked at him, we could clearly see that he was not there, only his little body. It provided some more closure for us.
Dan got to go up and see the boys first and after a short time in the recovery room, I was wheeled up there too. I had been encouraged many times to visit the NICU while I was still pregnant, but had avoided it. I couldn’t imagine my boys up there and wasn’t ready to face that situation. I was supposed to make it longer, at least 28 weeks and this was only 26 weeks 6 days! But now I had no choice. They WERE up there!
They were side by side in their isolettes. So small and surrounded by plastic. All my mommy’s instincts told me to hold, cuddle, kiss, caress and love on them, but being that they were so early, their skin wasn’t ready for that. All we could do was touch the hard plastic of the isolette and talk to them.
The rest of that day is a blur to me as I tried to sit up, stand up and walk again with a sore tummy. I don’t really remember Saturday much either.
That night, when Dan asked me to go up there with him to say goodnight, I decided to stay in bed and he went up alone. He came back a little later and said they were doing well. He remembers Matthew having his hand up holding on to the blanket…such a sweet picture to have in our minds. In hindsight, I wish I had gone up there too, as things went downhill fast that night. There are no guarantees, no promise of tomorrow.
The next memory I have was on Sunday morning, July 15th. My dear friend Dorene had come down to visit us and meet the boys. I clearly remember her sitting in my room with me and Dan happily chatting away when a nurse came in to my room. She asked if the NICU had gotten a hold of me. Umm, no? How hard was it to find me? I was in the same room I had been in since the C-section, and I could hardly stand up, much less walk by myself…where was I going to go? Anyway, we called up there right away and were told, “Matthew had a bad night”. That didn’t sound good and we headed up there. I remember the nurse saying she would look for a wheelchair for me but I said I was not waiting any longer and with Dan’s help, I hobbled up there as fast as I could.
When we got up to their isolettes, the night nurses told us that things didn’t look good for Matthew. His o2 levels were really low and they weren’t able to keep his blood oxygenated. They decided to paralyze him for a time to see if that would allow his body to focus on the most basic of functions. I am not sure I clearly understood what all that meant nor how serious it really was, but they did a brain scan and showed us the immense brain damage he had suffered. It seems that Matthew took the brunt of the blood swell when Brandon died. We were told he would not survive and we were encouraged to let him go, to take him off the ventilator. He never had breathed on his own anyway. A little while later, after they had done all they could for him, we took him off the ventilator and I finally got to hold my first born son. He was wrapped in a hospital baby blanket and we got to carry him down the hall in our arms to a waiting room area. Dan’s parents, his brother Jon and my parents were there and surrounded us as we talked to, sang to and said goodbye to our little man. We were so blessed to be with him, to hold him and to be surrounded by our loved ones. It is a moment I will never forget and on one hand, one I never hope to repeat. I hope I don’t have to say goodbye to any of my other sons. On the other hand, what a gift to be able to hold him and talk to him, even if just for a moment. I truly felt like we were ushering him Home. I believe he went from my arms to Jesus’ arms instantly. He was surrounded by love as he left this earth and I hope the same can be said for all of my children.
When we got back to the NICU after Matthew died, one of the nurses turned to me and said, “You still have one here. You need to focus on him”. At the time I thought that was incredibly insensitive, but in hindsight, she was exactly right. I could grieve the loss of my little boy BUT I had to move forward and focus on Nathan. He was in bad shape too and needed our support and complete focus. So, on we went!
For those of you who followed our story via our Caring Bridge website, you know all the ins and outs of the next 3 months. We tried to log Nathan’s daily progress there and it was full of highs and lows. Each day was full of challenges and triumphs and we weren’t sure from moment to moment if he would live. There is no way I could log it all here so I won’t try! Our Caring Bridge log is still there though and I do go back every once in awhile and read a few entries. Nathan certainly fought hard and continues to do so. We are thankful everyday for that adorable smile!
By the way, one of the visitors I had while I was on bed rest at Swedish, was the pastor and his wife from my parent’s old church. As they talked to me they told me a story of a family who had lost their little baby and had held him as he died. I remember being HORRIFIED at the time and couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. I also didn’t understand why they were telling me this while I was still very much pregnant with two babies! Now I see it was a little preparation for what was to come. Corrie Ten Boom says something like this, “God gives you the ticket when it’s time to get on the train”. (Her quote is actually much more eloquent and lovely, but this is what I remember!) That day I had to say goodbye to Matthew was actually peaceful, heartwrenching yes, but peaceful. God had given me “the ticket” when I needed it and the story I had heard from days earlier which I couldn’t even imagine living through, we had.